The REAL Way To Beat Ganon
by Gerudo Girl
Summary: The crazy truth about how Link killed Ganon... heh heh... he had a little help. This is our first fic! (Yes, we're two people.) Umm... plz plz plz R&R! Thanx! :D


Sup? This is my first fic, so um... no flames please! Well, it's pretty much about... wait a second, I'm not gonna tell you what it's about, _you_ have to read it to find out!!! Anyway, it's PG13 for various reasons: swearing, violence, (well, it's about Linky beating Ganon, what do you expect?) and a perved sense of humor. Well, have fun!

Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda or the Anastasia song.

_**The REAL Way To Beat Ganon**_

It was a dark, cold, stormy night when Link chose to beat Ganon. He had managed to finish Ganondorf off pretty easily, but _this _was a completely different matter.

Then he heard a voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Ruto. "It was actually pretty stupid of you," the voice said. "... To fight the evilest monster in the world in the rain. Like, my nails are going to get so totally messed up! I just put on a new coat of, like, the most expensive nail polish there is around!" And then she materialized right in front of him, along with the rest of the sages, (except for Zelda, who was currently fast asleep, snoring, very loudly, trapped in her crystal high above them) Malon, Mido, and that Wolfos he had befriended a long time ago ("Yo! Forest Kid! Got any wieners!" "You mean hot dogs! Sure! Here you go!" "Thanks, man! What can I do to repay you?" "Um... not kill me?" "Done!").

Link, in surprise, shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL YOU GUYS DOING HERE?!?!"

"We're here to help you, Silly Billy!!!" Saria chirped in her sing-song voice.

"... Oh."

But Nabooru, who was not a forgiving as Saria, gave him a death glare and whispered, "Wait just -- a -- second -- you go through -- whole process -- medallions -- adding power -- and you -- **_FORGET?!?!?!_**" She twitched as she reached for her swords.

Link, apparently realizing that, if he did not do something quick, Nabooru would straight out _neuter_ him, made a feeble peace attempt. "No... Nabooru... I didn't mean it that way! I swear it! Honest!" At this point, both Malon and Saria were holding the struggling Nabooru back.

Unfortunately, Ruto was there, so just when Nabooru was calming down, she blew it and went, "Now, like, Nabooru, totally remember the therapy!"

After Nabooru was through with almost strangling the fish, they all realized that Ganon, taking advantage of the opportunity, and was -- literally -- wiping the floors with Link.

"Guys... a little... help?" was all that he could manage to say.

But at that very moment, before anyone could do anything about anything, there was a little shriek, and a lot of feathers. _"Oh, no!!! My cuccos!"_ It was Malon, and all of a sudden, the little birds were everywhere!!!

Ganon began to scream like a little girl. "Oh no! I'm allergic! I'm allergic!" He took a few strikes at the birds... and then noticed... that they seemed to be fighting back... hard. "Owie owie owie!!!" Ganon screamed, and glared at Malon. "When I'm through with you, I'm telling my mommy!"

Nabooru tossed a sword to a cucco and shouted "CATCH!!!" and amazingly enoughk, the cucco caught it! The cucco shouted a "battle cry" to its fellows, and zoomed forward towards Ganon. Before he knew it, one of his eyes were missing and the cucco with the sword looked satisfied. He (or was it a she?) flew over and dropped the sword at Nabooru's feet, and motioned for its crew to go back to the cages. When they were all inside, it gave a nod to Malon, and she closed the cage. Then Ruto, with an almighty poke (just _think_ about how long her nails are) poked the other eye out!

Darunia, oblivious to the whole situation, sat down somewhere, and that somewhere just happened to be Ganon's foot. There was a shriek of pain and Ganon fell over (a/n: What would _you_ do if the king of the Gorons say on _your_ foot?)

"I give up! I give up! I give u— hey," An evil grin spread across his face as his eyes layed on the wolfos.** "COME MY MINION! RISE FOR YOUR MAAAAAAAAASTER!!!" **(Oh come on peoples, don't you remember the Disney Anastasia song?)

But the Wolfos, who had never really liked Ganon, bit him in the place where... well, you know....

And at that moment, Ganon sank so low, he pulled a Mario. "MAMA MIIIIIIIIA!!!!!!!!"

Then he saw Mido, and snickered, "At least I'm not 3 feet tall." Mido just stared at him at he approached evilly. Then, when Ganon was about to strike — "Do you have a sword?"

Ganon looked down shamfully. "... No."

"... And what about a shield? Do you have a shield?"

"... No."

Mido shrugged, and drew a line separating him from Ganon. "Then you can't pass."

Ganon looked crestfallen. "Are you sure? I could make you a deal, I have a lot of money —"

"Nope, sorry, can't pass."

Then, all of a sudden, Ganon had an idea. _I'll just make him come to me_, he thought to himself. "I enjoyed every moment of cursing the Great Deku Tree."

"That," Mido muttered. "Is the last straw." Ganon sniggered. "No, seriosly, I ran out!" he said, and pulled a straw out of his pocket, and stuffed it up the monster's nose (it stunned Ganon, so he forgot how to move) and finished the Wolfos' job.

"I'M EATING WIENERS TONIGHT, BOYS!!!" shouted the Wolfos with glee. Everyone just stared at it.

Malon, disgusted by the perviness, covered Saria's eyes and turned to Link. "Can't you do anything to stop this?"

Link sliced off one of Ganon's arms. "See, now we're back to violence!"

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light. "HAVE NO FEAR," a voice shrieked. "RARU'S HERE!!!"

"If you're so smart, then wouldn't you remember that Ganon no longer has eyes to be blinded with?" Link questioned.

Raru chuckled. "No, you see," he explained, "chain reactions. Impa will —"

But he was interrupted by a shriek. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE THAT FUCKIN' LIGHT WHEN I'M HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Impa began to cackle insanely and everything went dark. When everyone could finally see again, there was just this black thing in a big lump. Impa looked satisfied.

Saria finally realized that the heap that was Ganon was still breathing. She walked up to him. "Are you okay, mister Ganon?"

"Just... peachy."

"Here, I'll help you up." She wrenched his remaining arm upwards very, very hard. "Oh, silly me, did I just break your arm?" She giggled and skipped off.

Ganon, gathering together his last bit of strength, roared, "THAT'S IT!!!!!!!" He managed to get up, and started to approach them. They all laughed, and lunged at him, but soon realized that nothing seemed to affect him.

"We need more power!" shouted Raru. "We've all helped destroy him, but we need someone elso to finish him off!!!"

But before they could do anything, there was a high pitch scream, and Zelda came hurtling down in her crystal and landed right... on... Ganon's... head.

"Mommy!" Ganon gasped, and then he died.

"Wow, Zel!" Link said, clapping a hand on the crystal, which shattered it. "How the **_hell_** did you do that?"

"I dunno. One minute I was minding my own business, sleeping, and then I woke up and saw that my crystal was falling."

Raru cut in. "The thing is, Ganon, in his desperation to kill us all, ended up forgetting about his mental grip on the crystal. When he used all the power he could, he only concentrated on us, thus letting go of the crystal."

There was a silence. "What?" said Raru.

"I get the feeling we were supposed to be listening to him," whispered Link.

There was another akward silence broken by a shout, **_"PARTY BACK AT MY PLACE!!!"_** and everyone followed Malon back to the ranch.

Well, that's it! Plz r&r!!


End file.
